Which will long be remembered by all who remain alive

And probably also by their wive(s).

In the Parish of St John in the leafy borough of Ealing

Which many local estate agents do find most appealing

The Reverends John and Deborah Chapman did take their leave

Of the congregation of St Johns , which thereby did most grievously grieve.

Now to reach Ealing John had come very far

From the Paradise that is known as Caledonia

Or Scotland as some men say

Who are English and therefore not educated in any proper way.

John had become a pharmacist, to be sure

But found drug dealing eventually lost its allure

And he thought that to God's service he would gladly give his life

And in doing so he found himself a wife.

But at London Bible College around 1977

When both were studying with efforts most Trojan

To see if at least one them could become a theologian

From his intensive studies of the early church fathers such as Polycarp

And he knew that she was more than just a flirt

And so they were married without delay

And went to South America , which is a very long way away

But they liked it so they decided to stay

And Deborah's first language was Spanish anyway

So that was OK

And along the way some children became due

And the first was a boy called Matthew

And then Kirstin soon followed after Matt

But this is a family service so we'll say no more about all that

Except that they have been children most upstanding and fine

To continue the Chapman family line

Even if Kirstin's mobile phone bill won't be paid off until 2009.

But after some years leading Latin Link

John began to think

These free church people were all fine and well

But they haven't got many bishops, he could tell

and they were a wee bit short of good liturgy

and didn't seem to have any concept of a PCC

so he thought it was time to join the C of E

and become a real member of the clergy

where they had archdeacons and could make a proper cup of tea.

And so they sent him to Ealing to learn and teach

Where he has been one of the finest that we have ever heard preach.

And Deborah has sung with the voice of angel, it is said quite rightly

and John has sung as well, but quietly

(I think he has found somewhere in his research

that there are times when it is fitting that a man should not be heard in church).

Though for a man so culturally sensitive all the same

I am surprised that he has not changed his name.

Because “chap” and “man”, if I may be so direct

are both words that are not very politically correct

and it would have been a much better version

if he had changed his name to John Personperson

(or better still something really Scottish like McPherson).

 

Now among the staff John has made his mark

(Though sometimes about what he is talking they are left in the dark)

And one can be sure whatever the matter under discussion

That he will have written a paper on it, which Deborah will probably have translated into Portuguese or Russian,

And when in a meeting temperatures are rising

John can always be counted on to say something surprising

Such as “I really like going for walks in a cemetery!”

Or “I don't like New Wine but I love HTB!”

And he will pour troubled water on the matter in hand

By saying “It's not Either/Or but probably Both/And”.

 

But this is not to say that he is of a temper always mild,

For certain things will drive this righteous man almost wild

As when he was ordained it did cause him deeply to frown

That he had to pledge allegiance to the English Crown,

(and as integrity is something that he does not lack

I suspect he did it with his fingers crossed behind his back).

Now many of his friends have said it:

that his habit of thriftiness is very much to his credit

But that John Chapman is tight-fisted let it never be said!

(Even if the £5 note in his wallet does bear the picture of King George the Sixth's head)

And in all other respects John is just like any one of us

who might like to spend his quiet day travelling on top of a double-decker bus.

And yet there is sadness about this man

Who has now become an Anglican

And it is a terrible thing to see

For he is the clergyman who doesn't like drinking tea!

And when he hears the dread question “more tea vicar?”

He will make his exit all the quicker –

So if he ever comes to minister to you

Have a heart and give him some Barr's Irn Bru.

Now between John and Deborah it must never be said that in their marital condition

There is any sense of competition

But one does not need to be a diligent scholar

To see that Deborah started eyeing up John's dog collar,

And not to be outdone by her beloved husband

Deborah also decided to become a minister of religion, which had not been previously planned,

And just to demonstrate that women should not be considered last

She did it twice as fast,

And if the current pace is maintained it is plain to be seen

That soon Deborah as the first woman Bishop of the Anglican church will enthroned have been

and quite possibly shortly afterwards as Queen.

But first she is going to the church of Saint Mellitus

which is a prospect which should not at all affright us

but rather delight us,

For she a real impact there will make

And will certainly keep John Hereward Awake

(And having made that pun I realise it was probably a mistake).

But I have left the best to the last

And now before my lament is past

The finest feature of his ministry I must relate

For which John Chapman will be known as great:

For it will be remembered for the longest while

How he has blessed us with his never-fading smile.

Whatever may befall you, if the sky has fallen in,

John will be there to greet you with a cheery grin

In weddings, baptisms and communions its permanent place it takes

(Though it can be something of an embarrassment at funerals and wakes)

And like the Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland's domain

long after he has gone from us, his enigmatic smile will remain:

John Chapman, the Mona Lisa of Mattock Lane .

So know I draw my tribute to an end

as out of St Johns , John and Deborah, you we will send.

And as you go to St Mellitus and St Hugh

We will never forget you

And so I ask the congregation to join with me once again

And sing with me a stirring Scots' refrain:

The smile of John Chapman

(Mournfully, to the tune of Loch Lomond )

By yon Walpole Park and in yon Mattock Lane

Where the traffic wardens are so unfeeling,

Where we and our curate will never meet again

in St John (with St James) in West Ealing .

Oh I'll take the back way and you'll take the Broadway

and I'll be in Northolt before ye

But here in West Ealing we'll never bask again

in the fixed, beaming smile of John Chapman!

‘Twas there that he pastored, in yon refurbished lounge,

with the catering laid on by Brenda.

He prayed with compassion for all who came around

and the coffee coming out of the blender -

Oh I'll go to Lima and you to Sao Paolo

And eat enchiladas for breakfast

but here all the Jaffa Cakes will never meet again

with the teeth of the smile of John Chapman!

The poor prayers pray and the sweet singers sing

with songs from Iona and Taize

and prayers from Barbados and blessed Celtic saints

John is driving the Anglicans craize -

So I'll swing the incense and you talk the nonsense

wi' a smile (out of tune) by John Chapman!

Oh I'll take the back way and you'll take the Broadway

and I'll be in Northolt before ye

But here in West Ealing we'll never bask again

in the fixed, beaming smile of John Chapman!

 

Information about William McGonagall, “ Dundee 's most famous nobody” whose poetry set unparalleled standards of awfulness, may be found many places such as www.taynet.co.uk/users/mcgon/default.htp . Everyone should read “The Tay Bridge Disaster” before they die. For the most sensitive, it may well be shortly before they die.